It’s Time to Stop Being Nice…

I am way too nice and it’s to my detriment. I am always keeping my mouth shut when I should speak up, accepting things blindly without question, and I have allowed way too much for too long. I’m sorry but the final straw is the final straw. If I want to procure a seriously wealthy and generous benefactor, I need to make some serious personality changes.

I did my tarot yesterday, a Celtic Cross Spread this time instead of the the usual 3 card spreads I do. I have been practicing tarot and using healing crystals for a year now. I’ve always been into New Age Religion/Spirituality and Wicca so it comes pretty naturally.

Anyway, let’s just say I probably had the MOST accurate reading about my life and where it’s headed if I don’t make some serious personality and habit changes. It’s not good and it won’t get better unless I face the music. However to face the music and fix 99% of my problems, I need MONEY!! And lot’s of it.

I need to set a goal. In September, I will be 27. That’s 3 years until 30. Unfortunately in our ageist society, 30 years old with no serious career (even if you hate it) and no decent income or home/car means you are a failure. I have none of that. To deal with my current debt problems, I need $50,000. $35K to pay off defaulted student loan debt and $15K for misc. debt. After that I will be free and certainly have a better credit score. I can easily make that if I find someone or two or three (three benefactors MAX because it will be hard to juggle the needs of all 3 men) to give me a minimum of $8000 a month. I know it sounds steep but if I only deal with men with serious wealth, that shouldn’t be an issue at all.

Long term goal: By age 30 I will be debt free with at least two high limit credit cards (one an AMEX), a condo or home in my name, a luxury vehicle (nothing flashy though) in my name, a husband, fiance, or long-term lover, a job that I can do anywhere in the world, and a substantial savings account.

Short term goal: Pay off the debts that are plaguing me, raise my credit score, buy a used but reliable car, open a 401K, move into a better apartment.

My hope is to meet someone who is wealthy and also wants to be exclusive. Who will pay off my debts and help me start over financially. It’s a dream but dreams do come true. The Law of Attraction is real people. My vision board for Summer 2014 has just begun.

Back to me being too nice:
So that older man I am dating who lives in Arizona? The weird long-term relationship? I need to end that and I need to do it asap. He is smitten with me (rightly so) but he just doesn’t make enough money to even make a DENT in what I need in order to improve my situation. Sprint cut my phone off today for non-payment (it was due 2 weeks ago, i don’t blame them) so I told him. He just purchased a bedroom set for my apartment from IKEA (so it was dirt cheap) and wrote this long soliloquy in iMessage about how he wishes he could do more. Thank goodness for Wi-Fi and iMessage or else I would be completely cut off from the world, lol.

We have a trip planned for latter this month so…I won’t do it until after that. He will be devastated and that’s what has stopped me. But fuck his feelings! What about my needs? He is married and the fact of the matter is I will always come after the wife, his bills, his life, etc. And since he only makes about 500K a year it doesn’t leave much for me. I’m not in this for love and BS. I am in this for money and while I still have my looks and body, I need to make as much money as I can. I made a LOT of mistakes in my early 20s and I refuse to waste my late 20’s doing the same bullshit. He will be very sad because he is madly in love with me (or so he thinks) but I need to do what is best and get out before it’s too late.

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Lazy Sunday

I saw the CEO guy twice, Thurs and Fri night. My vagina needed a break after our marathon sex sessions but it was totally worth it. I haven’t had sex like that in a long time. He is very passionate in bed, and he loves to touch my body, kiss, rub my back, and be sensual. I’m normally a “fuck my brains out hard” type of person and like being very submissive but with him, I get to do both and experience both from him. He lasts a long time which is also a plus. But when he does cum, he almost instantly falls asleep. It’s hilarious but good for me. I usually get up and make myself some food or smoke some cannabis, drink wine, or watch Netflix on his gigantic plasma tv.

I came out $1000 richer; $500 for each day. I paid off my phone, internet, and half of my rent and now I have $70 left. Sigh

I need to find the big fish. The ones who don’t have any issues buying cars, real estate, stocks, investments, etc for their women. The ones who will give up $10K+ because it’s not a big deal at all to them. I know I have to look and play the part also but I can definitely do that no problem.

If V. Stiviano’s tranny looking with bad skin, 31 yr old ass can pull a Billionaire (albeit a racist asshole who is a rotting piece of shit, but still a billionaire) then I should have no problem pulling a millionaire who doesn’t mind supporting me. I would never betray his trust, never release anything about him to the public, or never make the relationship out to be more than what it is. If I was a side girl or mistress, I would never try and take the wife’s spot. If I we were officially dating, I would be discreet and private about our lives. Plastering your material items and business all over instagram and social media is not cool. I prefer to fly under the radar, even now and I’m nowhere near rich. I’m not a fame whore and I never will be. I really just want a better lifestyle for myself.

I’m going to drag myself to the gym. I’m seeing my long-distance guy in three weeks so I need to show him I’m using the gym membership he is paying for. Changing your habits is very hard but I know I can do it.

 

Headed Downtown…

One of my former ‘lovers’ just gave me a call and invited me to dinner tonight. We had a very nice arrangement for two years and ended it in September 2013. Why? Honestly, I have no clue. We both became too busy and I was trying to be ‘legit’ for a while because I had a stable job and a stable of issues was part of it. Now I still have a stable of issues but no stable job anymore so I will definitely take him up on his offer. He is a very well-paid CEO, but very goofy and laidback; not at all serious like other businessmen I have dealt with. He’s married but his wife lives in a house in the burbs and he lives downtown in a gorgeous condo. They have lived apart for years but he has no prenup so….you know it goes, lol.

He was always very generous (much more than my current guy) and I now don’t have to freak out about not being able to pay my internet and phone bill, both of which are due tomorrow. He’s also really good in bed for his age and having such a high-stress job so I am excited I’m finally going to get some good dick.

Off to get ready!

…Welcome?

My first post. Should it be witty? Angsty? A brief synopsis of my life?

I have no idea where to even start.

I came up with my blog title by taking a very deep and introspective look at my life. On the outside, I am a gorgeous, funny, witty, cultured, somewhat well-traveled, interesting, and classy 26 year old. I was employed full-time up until a few days ago (more on that later). I attended a very good university, I studied abroad, my friends come from all races, ethnicities, religions, and backgrounds. I am well-spoken, an ‘exceptional’ minority (I’m African-American & Afro-Brasilian), and generally well-liked.

But what no one knows about me is that I am drowning in despair. I am selfish, irresponsible, ugly on the inside, vain, lacking a moral compass, greedy, insecure, depressed, an addict, and I am up to my eyes in debt. I never graduated from my college and have 3 courses left. I walked across the stage and participated in the ceremony (they let you do that as long as you have less than 4 courses to finish) but I owed the school so much money I couldn’t finish. No one knows that, NO ONE. Even my parents think I graduated. My missing diploma is explained because I still owe the school money (3 years later). I want to go and finish, I really do. I need to finish or I will never be able to get a great job.

What scares me is that I am smart, capable, and have the aptitude. But my depression and financial issues and general low self-worth have prevented me from having any type of fulfilling life. I should be looking to buy my first condo soon or car. My car is going to die soon (its old and desperately needs repairs I can’t afford) but my credit is so bad from debt I would never be able to afford another one without a cosigner.

My life is a classy mess. On the outside, the girl who has it all together but on the inside, I am 1 step away from suicide.

Now that is out of the way, the other part of my life that I am dealing with is my escort/sugar baby life. I’ve been doing it as a way to get quick cash since the age of 18. It’s always been my go-to when I am low on cash. But like the greedy, materialistic idiot I am, I never saved the money or paid off debts. I bought useless crap and now, at age 26 I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. Even my apartment is a piece of shit because I can’t even afford furniture. I have a TV, a broken futon that is probably going to give me scoliosis or at the least, severe back problems if I keep sleeping on it, and sheets as blinds. No one that I know is ever allowed to visit my place or come in because I am so ashamed. I just tell people it is dirty and I don’t want people visiting when it’s not clean.

I lost my job last Friday. I was barely making 35K. The only thing I had going for me was insurance but now that I can buy insurance on the exchange, that makes it a little better. Every single one of my paychecks went into my account and I would usually only get half of my check because my account was overdraft every single month by at least 200 bucks. Right now it is negative $-325.49 and I have $60 cash to my name until I get my last check from work next month. My tax return was seized by the gov’t and used to pay my student loan debt that I have defaulted on and haven’t been able to stick to a payment plan. I have $60 to my name, no savings, nothing going for me at all. No one knows this of course but me and I don’t know what to do.

So I am getting back on the escort bandwagon. However this time I am going high-class. I have the smarts, the charm, the wit, and the charisma. Best of all I have the looks. Not to toot my own horn but I am very attractive. The only thing lacking is my body. In my depression I have gained about 30 pounds. I am an hourglass and not fat so I can hide it well in clothes with girdles and corsets and spanx but naked, I have a pouch on my stomach, and flab flab!! I just got a gym membership that is paid for by this guy I am ‘dating’ so I have a serious get the fuck into shape plan for May so I can be good for summer. It includes lots of veggies and fruits, detox, tons of water, and cleansing. My skin has started to suffer because of my poor diet and I can’t have that because my face is the prize!

I have a plan because I need quick cash. Of course i will continue to look for a legit job but right now, I need to focus on finding a benefactor who can support me and pay off my debts. I would prefer to just have one or two wealthy ‘boyfriends’ (serious or not) who can provide me with a very comfortable lifestyle. I am low-key, drama-free, not on any social media sites except for this anonymous blog, and I am very presentable in all environments. My ultimate goal by age 28 is to be making $15K a month, either from a benefactor(s) or my own business that my benefactor invested in and helped me start.

I currently have a somewhat well-off ‘boyfriend’ right now. We are long-distance and he is married. He’s older, white, and people definitely look when we are together. However I stopped caring. He is very nice and we travel every month to see each other, usually a popular US City like Vegas, Miami, New Orleans, etc. We’ve been dating for 6 months but unfortunately, he is very smitten with me. Like wants me to be his only girlfriend when he divorces his wife. I usually laugh on the inside when he says that because I do not expect him to ever do that but he is very clingy. And he’s not super rich. Makes about $500K but he doesn’t have a lot of $$$$ to give because of his wife’s lifestyle (she doesn’t work) and his expensive habits. He has helped me out and pays half of my rent every month but I KNOW I am selling myself short. I just hate that I let it get so intimate and close. I pretty much know everything about him and he knows a great deal about me (stupid I know). I just have no choice right now, especially after losing my job. Maybe he would give me a loan perhaps when I tell him the severity of my debt problems? No that is a bad idea.

Anyway, I’m sorry if reading about my life made you depressed. It sucks right now but I am going to channel all of my energy into making as much cash as I can AND finishing school so I can finally have my degree. I am THREE courses away, all I need is $5000 to pay my school and the cost of that one semester. I am going to get it together.

Wow, writing that all down really made me feel better. I have never written about how shitty my life is until now.